I'm Detransitioning

"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step onto the road, and if you don't keep your feet, there's no knowing where you might be swept off to."-Bilbo Baggins (Ian Holm)

This is one of my favorite quotes from The Lord of the Rings, a story that inspires me every day. Life is so unpredictable and chaotic, at least in my experience so far. I've been through a lot of trials and challenges and have often encountered feeling misunderstood, including misunderstanding myself. I've been on my own journey of self-discovery, identity, and trying to find a sense of belonging.

For the majority of my life, I've been trying to find out who I am. This has led me to putting on many different hats, some which have resonated with me as core values and interests, others which just pass by after a while. I'm not sure where this adventurous streak comes from. I'm a very shy, introverted, and quiet person, yet my anxiety has never stopped me from experimenting. I think, perhaps, my curiosity is more overwhelming than my fears, so I embark on these interesting journeys which further fuel my creativity.

The author, Neil Gaiman, has advised writers to go out and experience life, interacting with others instead of sitting at a desk all of the time. His suggestion of doing so helps immensely with crafting ideas for characters and stories. My amalgamation of different lifestyles and stages have provided me not only with so many different groups of people that I've met, but they've also taught me firsthand a variety of perspectives that I've gotten to see through my own eyes.

I identified as transgender two times in my life. First, when I was a young teenager, and again in my early to mid-twenties. The amount of time and research that I've put into transitioning is immense, more than most of my peers who have transitioned and probably more than many of the physicians that I've had who actually specialize in transgender care. This is not a brag, more of an observation. I've seen the fluctuation of accessible information and attitudes shift in so many ways from those early days to now. I will not comment on whether it's positive or negative, but neutrally, it is a completely different socio-political environment.

Making the choice to transition was not an easy one for me, but ultimately, it did save my life. I started hormone replacement therapy (HRT) in 2018 and socially transitioned. I changed my name and asked to be addressed by other pronouns, but that's about it. I never underwent any procedures, and I never legally changed my gender on documents. I've been in gender and trauma therapy for the entirety of my transition and have continued to do research on transgender perspectives. HRT is not a risk-free decision, but I knew many of the pros and cons at the outset and went ahead with that choice. It's helped me a lot, but there are certain side effects and health concerns that have developed over time that I haven't been a fan of. Recently, after having to face even more trauma therapy than before, some cracks began to appear in my armor, then more light, and then a relief of understanding that perhaps there's another way for me to live life. I never thought that being transgender would fix my problems, but I thought it would help me, and in some ways, it truly did.

I achieved a lot as a transgender person. I started this website, I got achievement awards in college, I got my first art piece displayed in a Washington D.C. exhibition, graduated undergraduate, and am now in graduate school. I've worked various jobs, published in literary magazines, made friends, traveled, had relationships- my transition honestly was a success. I'm proud of how far I've come and what I've done, and I will always cherish this part of my life.

This past week, I turned 27 years old. Even though I feel ancient in certain regards, I understand that I'm still a young person and I want my path to go in a different direction now. I've always been a very feminine person, even during my transition, and I've never been ashamed of it. As I've interacted more with men and transmasculine individuals over the past several years, I've come to understand that manhood was not meant for me. I admire aspects of it, but I don't connect with it on any inherent personal level. Even before my transition, my girlhood and womanhood were overshadowed by an ex-partner of mine. I wasn't allowed to express myself or experience life authentically because I was so harshly controlled. Through my transition, I became the man who could give me the world. And ultimately, I gave myself the gift of womanhood back.

I do not want people to use my story to put transgender people down. Everyone has their own reasons for transitioning and those perspectives can be vastly different from one another. Same with detransitioners. This is purely an account of my own feelings and thoughts that I came to through a lot of introspection from the very beginning, to now.

I am very grateful to have such an extensive support system of family and friends who have accepted me at various stages in my life. I cannot thank them enough for doing their best to understand or assist me through everything. I think that their kindness and almost nonchalant attitudes about being transgender or not guided me with grace through this process. I've never felt pressured to do or not do anything which has resulted in me keeping a level-head so that I wouldn't rush into anything that I might regret. Did transition change certain things about me? Absolutely, but change comes no matter what. Through aging, living, trauma, learning. I never went into transition thinking that it would make my life perfect, and I leave my transition now also knowing that it taught me what I needed and didn't make my life miserable either.

I'm still me. I'm a creative person who adores nature and art. I would rather spend time with my cat than go out anywhere. I have an eclectic collection of stuffed animals and my favorite animals are leeches- some things are just core aspects of myself. The most exciting things I do on a daily basis are go on walks to look at the neighborhood flowers, make art, or skip off to the library. I like things that way. But I think certain aspects of being transgender and going through transition did hinder me and I don't want to limit myself from certain experiences I would love in this lifetime. I want to travel more of the world, maybe experience motherhood or a better relationship than I've ever had, or just exist as myself. I am so excited to embrace and express my femininity and womanhood in ways that I was never able to before.

I know I don't have to explain myself, but it's easier to share a statement than have others speak for me and my feelings about detransitioning. I will be continuing my artistic creations and blogging of course, though the domain name to this website may be changing. The name that I am going by now is Anastasia Razumova, my birthname, and I use she/her pronouns but misgendering genuinely doesn't upset me. Other than that, life moves on. I hope you will continue to support me and my art. Thank you for being here throughout such a fruitful chapter of my life. Onto the next one!

Much love,

Anastasia S. Razumova